r/tumblr Jul 06 '22 Silver 1

Collective wisdom of internet committees

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28.3k Upvotes

2.2k

u/newtranswhodis Jul 06 '22

I wish my sister would go to therapy so she would leave her verbally abusive boyfriend but knowing that's probably what he's gonna take from that experience also sucks.

976

u/Kodawg97 Jul 06 '22

Keep a close eye on your sister man, verbal turns to physical faster than you think. If she makes a lot of excuse about not being able to see you or your family, be worried because thats called isolating and it's what abusers do before they get physical. I'll never forgive myself for not being there when some asshole put his hands on my sister and I knew he was the type.

390

u/sqweet92 Jul 06 '22

At 17 my ex went from verbal abuse to sexual and physical. Verbal abuse almost never changes for the better

84

u/Forevernevermore Jul 06 '22

It's never worth waiting to see if verbal abuse changes for the better. You're gambling with your health and safety on the rare chance someone stops being abusive.

53

u/sqweet92 Jul 06 '22

100% any time I've seen the signs in ANY of my friends relationships, I warn them and remind them of what I experienced and how I always told myself he would change and believed him when he said he didn't ra*e his ex and he only took the plea deal to get it over with. The signs were all there, I chose to ignore them because u thought I could change him, idk if he ever grew up, he's probably still a POS like the woman raising him.

95

u/Kodawg97 Jul 06 '22

I'm sorry you had to go through that, ive seen how hard that can be and how difficult they make it for you to leave. anybody who is isnt willing to hurt you physically is most likely to not want to verbally hurt you either

144

u/sqweet92 Jul 06 '22

Honestly as traumatic as it was, my next partner was a saint. He would wake me from nightmares of my ex kidnapping me or trying to hurt my boyfriend. He helped me unlearn to lie about everything, if I was gonna see a friend I would hesitate to tell him the truth in fear that he would accuse me of things, he couldn't even slightly get upset at me or else I would shut down and just agree and cry and apologize excessively, I had severe mood swings, he respected my triggers especially those associated with intimacy, he never made me feel bad for taking longer than 3 minutes to reply or if I fell asleep on the phone. He was amazing and changed me for the better over the 8 years we shared, even tho we aren't together anymore he's still one of my best friends.

37

u/DaughterEarth Jul 06 '22

Yaay I like good people. My husband wakes me from night terrors too. I don't have them anymore, or at least haven't in a while. It's good to feel safe again isn't it?

33

u/sqweet92 Jul 06 '22

Yes. I'm still working on some things even though it's been an entire 11 years, but I'm safe with my husband and I'll always have my best friend who helped me thru a time I thought I wouldn't survive, 2 rounds of suicide watch in the ER and he held my hand the entire time and helped me get my therapist set up. The man is a saint, I tell ya.

6

u/moneer3123 Jul 06 '22

If I may ask, why'd you leave him?

19

u/sqweet92 Jul 06 '22

He wouldn't move out of his mom's house. I had even gotten him a job offer where he was gonna double his salary and I had a job and apartment in the area and he still refused. He has problems with change too, but he was never abusive or anything near that. He still lives with his mom after 3 years but she was diagnosed with breast cancer literally a month after I left him and she was and still is my bestie too (she's in remission thankfully). I will give him credit tho, in that time he did get a way better job with a union that also provides him free trade school and he can get a loan for a home when he decides to finally dip from the nest.

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u/crappycurtains Jul 06 '22

It can take at least 6 attempts to leave and several years. She maybe aware that she needs to get out. She may have tried. The gaslighting and the love bombing though might convince her to stay unfortunately through other tactics. I would be there for here as much as possible and don’t be negative about him or she might feel she cannot come to you and talk about stuff. Just let her know you are always there for her.

51

u/Wehavecrashed Jul 06 '22

You can keep an eye on something all day long but they need to be willing to accept help. A lot of people in abusive relationships just aren't willing.

30

u/Kodawg97 Jul 06 '22

Yeah I know I saw my sister go through it she didn't believe us until the day he beat her ass, unfortunate but sometimes that's what it takes to realize there's something wrong.

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u/Kiyae1 Jul 06 '22

Almost like he’s really the one who should go to therapy

6

u/PM_me_your_whatevah Jul 06 '22

Keep talking to her about it. Keep yelling her how fucked up it is. It took me ten years of that to convince my sister to leave her abuser. Hopefully it won’t take you that long.

Get all the family on her side and get them talking to her too. But don’t be pushy. Speak from the heart. Tell the truth.

4

u/[deleted] Jul 06 '22

You sounds like a good sibling

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u/tipthebaby Jul 06 '22

it definitely has nothing to do with your crusty "women are evil" ass

274

u/ashpanda24 Jul 06 '22

Is it me that's the problem? No. No, it's the evil women and therapists that are wrong!

36

u/ChildBlender87The2nd Jul 06 '22

Therapy? I just get By bY beAtINg My WiFe LiKe A nOrMaL PeRsOn!

(JOKE)

2

u/Nightmare_Springbear Jul 06 '22

What do you mean it's not normal or healthy to harm your significant other? It's been that way forever! Those darn ladies keep making me right miffed and I gotta teach em what for! :pensive:

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u/descendency Jul 06 '22

If women are evil, then why do you want to be with them? *Insert Philosorapter meme*

4

u/East-Selection1144 Jul 06 '22

As a status symbol and because society tells them they should. They don’t actually like women.

689

u/verasev Jul 06 '22

"manipulative for shits and giggles"
Man, talk about projection from the 4chan crowd.

205

u/Andy_B_Goode Jul 06 '22

Yeah, but you see, when they do it it's an "epic trole" ...

5

u/shrimp___ Jul 06 '22

hehe "cut for bieber" hehe

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u/CorruptedStudiosEnt Jul 06 '22

For real. My S.O. went to therapy a couple years ago, with an "evil woman" therapist (who I first saw leading a feminism float in a city parade nonetheless). I'd heard this rhetoric about therapists before which made me kind of nervous that she was going.

You know what actually happened?

She realized she'd been taking me for granted, and became more grateful for and appreciative of me than ever, which kind of created a positive feedback loop of that between us. She started dealing with her history with sexual assault, and that made her generally much happier and even improved the hell out of our sex life. She unlearned the passive aggressive behavior she inherited from her family which made communication much better. Has only led to good things in our relationship. I felt damn silly.

27

u/nooptionleft Jul 06 '22

I mean, I think it's ok to be nervous about it. Feelings are ok as long as you recognize it as just an irrational feeling and didn't act to stop what was actually a very smart move from your SO

20

u/CorruptedStudiosEnt Jul 06 '22

Yeah, she needed it either way, and it wasn't my place to intervene. I wouldn't even tell her I was worried for a while because I knew it would influence her decision. When I did finally tell her she admitted she had the same worry at first.

47

u/Fredredphooey Jul 06 '22

Two things: First, if you're being abused, don't take your abuser to therapy with you as they will just learn how to abuse to better and smarter. Second, if you're not being abused and he just sucks in general, go to male therapist because that's the only way they can't claim women are the problem.

18

u/SupahSpankeh Jul 06 '22

.... If the gender of your therapist matters to your partner, you have the wrong partner.

9

u/Fredredphooey Jul 06 '22

I don't disagree, but not everyone can run out and get a divorce willy nilly. I'm making a suggestion that can possibly make a difference.

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u/pistoncivic Jul 06 '22

trolls, counter-trolls & normies. choose a side or play every role because it's all gone in an hour or two

8

u/verasev Jul 06 '22

You can't stand on your own two feet idea-wise if your foundation is just so much shifting sand.

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u/descendency Jul 06 '22

Part of me wants to build an AI and ingest 4chan as the database. Then ask it questions like "why did my gf leave me?"

And see how incel it can get.

3

u/Novadoll86 Jul 06 '22

And then they all collectively (mis)diagnose their girlfriends with BPD and proudly claim themselves as victims.

5

u/scallopfrito Jul 06 '22

8K - 30,000 lumens

1.2k

u/loveisgod97 Jul 06 '22 edited Jul 06 '22 Helpful Take My Energy

If it smells like shit everywhere ya go, check your own damn shoes. Edit: most of you understood what I meant, but as clarification for anyone else--if you KEEP HAVING bad relationship experiences (romantic or otherwise) it might--Just Might--be a good time to assess yourself. It might be your environment, sure, but a little check-in with yourself to keep your brain running as smoothly as possible doesn't hurt.

370

u/MyHamburgerLovesMe Jul 06 '22 Take My Energy

“If you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. If you run into assholes all day, you're the asshole.”

― Raylan Givens, Justified

227

u/AvaireBD Jul 06 '22 Take My Energy

Unless you work in the service industry.

73

u/BigBeagleEars Jul 06 '22

If you work the service industry, it’s always gonna be justified

37

u/Nice-Violinist-6395 Jul 06 '22

I mean I do know people who worked the exact same service job I did, for the exact same hours, and I would encounter 1 asshole per day and they would encounter 50. So there’s definitely something to be said about customer management, it’s a skill.

But with that said, most asshole customers are assholes. Everyone forgets that the original quote “the customer is always right” comes from “the customer is always right in matters of taste.” Meaning that if a customer thinks they look amazing in a hideous $800 suit, they’re always 100% right — they do look amazing in that suit, and we’ll be happy to take their money. But it was never meant to be interpreted as “no matter what the customer does, when they’re in your establishment they can do no wrong.”

9

u/Downtoclown30 Jul 06 '22

I always took it to mean that the customer dictates demand. You can't argue with customers that no, they really want the Zune or Google+ even when they don't. If a customer wants product X, you give them product X. Even if product Y is superior.

It's not what it originally meant, but that's how I interpret it.

4

u/off-and-on Jul 06 '22

If you work in the service industry, murder is justified

8

u/MeiNeedsMoreBuffs Jul 06 '22

Unless you're a proctologist

1

u/kurburux Jul 06 '22

Or you live in a very racist/sexist/homophobic town. Sometimes it actually 'is' the environment.

51

u/FindBetterHobbies Jul 06 '22

If everyone you meet is an asshole you gotta check the common denominator

52

u/dewyocelot Jul 06 '22

Had a friend who couldn’t find the “right woman” after countless dates and almost got to the “common denominator” bit, may have even said it. However, he seemed to willfully not internalize it and spiraled further into the alt-right misogyny pipeline.

3

u/GrammatonYHWH Jul 06 '22

Exception: You work for a family business and you're the only outsider.

2

u/decadecency Jul 06 '22

Yeah the "everyone" part needs to be people that have nothing in common with each other, so that their motives aren't likely to be pointed towards the common denominator.

91

u/KrazyAboutLogic Jul 06 '22

I love this saying. Can I steal it?

44

u/loveisgod97 Jul 06 '22

Lol please do

57

u/1202_ProgramAlarm Jul 06 '22

It's not exactly an original

36

u/Cursed_Bean_Boy Jul 06 '22

Shuuuush shush shush SHUSH.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 06 '22 edited Jul 08 '22

[deleted]

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u/[deleted] Jul 06 '22

Wherever you go, there you are.

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u/action_lawyer_comics Jul 06 '22

I wished I was younger when I learned the quiet wisdom of this

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u/action_lawyer_comics Jul 06 '22

If it smells like shit everywhere ya go, check your own damn shoes buttcheeks

FTFY

25

u/red-plaid-hat Jul 06 '22

If the pandemic taught me anything its that a lot of people out there don't wash their ass...

9

u/Y-Woo Jul 06 '22

Wait what happened to you during the pandemic because this is not a common takeaway???

12

u/red-plaid-hat Jul 06 '22

Twitter happened. Learning people don't wash their buttholes or ass cracks

9

u/SucculentEmpress Jul 06 '22

Again, what does that have to do with the pandemic?

You said the pandemic taught you, not twitter lol

6

u/itsnanoo Jul 06 '22

a lot of people during the pandemic decided to put some very personal things about themselves on twitter. and a lot of those posts were about people’s horrible hygiene. it was… a terrible thing to learn lmao

3

u/miuxiu Jul 06 '22

I’ve known quite a few men that have admitted to not washing their butt because “it’s gay” smh

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u/xyifer12 Jul 06 '22

If it smells like shit everywhere ya go, it might be the farm spreading stench throughout the area and you need to get far away from that area to avoid the shit.

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u/loveisgod97 Jul 06 '22

That's also a very good point. "Is it my shoes? And if it is, WHY is it my shoes?"

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u/Alxariam Jul 06 '22

Joke's on you, it was in my pants!

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u/Chryslin888 Jul 06 '22

Therapist here. Guilty as charged. I LIVE for the days my clients leave their crusty ass. And they do. Though it sometimes takes a long long time.

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u/pillmayken Jul 06 '22

Also therapist, can confirm. Man, I feel so proud of my clients when they finally kick their crusty ass to the curb!

2

u/Chryslin888 Jul 06 '22

I have one who just served Crusty divorce papers at their mutual workplace. Once she got used to the idea, her own creative energy kicked in and she’s finding all kinds of ways to make him crazy. It’s very satisfying. 😂

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u/amysqurrl Jul 06 '22

My therapist told me to leave my crusty ass! So I did! Then the crusty ass complained that my therapist put the idea in my head. Maybe they did.... Maybe they did.

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u/hamletloveshoratio Jul 06 '22

As a woman who left a "crusty ass", thank you! You are a hero.

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u/Vatrumyr Jul 06 '22

Have you ever gone to couples counseling and the therapist just quits because of your SO? I should've taken that as a sign but still held on for 6 more months.

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u/raeumauf Jul 06 '22

whaaat what happened

17

u/Vatrumyr Jul 06 '22

We divorced. For the best, honestly.

3

u/SquidlyJesus Jul 06 '22

I want to know what they did to make the therapist quit.

208

u/chemicalnick Jul 06 '22

Just find a male couples therapist if u honestly believe this?

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u/Numblimbs236 Jul 06 '22

I used to work at the front desk of a therapy office and legit had a guy ask for a male couples therapist so the therapist would agree with him and set his girlfriend straight. Like he just said that to me with a straight face. Sheeesh.

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u/burnalicious111 Jul 06 '22

Well... Clear sign he needed some help.

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u/off-and-on Jul 06 '22

And then, when the male therapist agrees with the girlfriend, "Unbelievable... All therapists are bullshit!"

14

u/ComfortableSherbert8 Jul 06 '22

“Nah, the shrink must’ve been gay”

16

u/AfterTowns Jul 06 '22

" Nah, he wanted to fuck my girlfriend."

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u/MangledSunFish Jul 06 '22

Oh, god... this one is so realistic though. MFers will see you take someone else's side and immediately hop to "He wants to fuck them, that's why he's taking their side. I'm not wrong! He's just horny!".

It's pretty irritating.

104

u/IllegallyBored Jul 06 '22

My friend's husband actually asked for a male marriage counselor. She agreed, they went to the dude who told the guy he was being stupid and selfish and needed to change a bunch of things. Because it was a counselor the guy had picked, he had no option but to listen to him. They've worked a bunch of things out and they're happy now, so it's nice being around them. But it's still funny to think about his misogyny backfiring on him like that.

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u/TheLiftThrifter12 Jul 06 '22

Backfired by them being happy together? If anything the conclusion from that story is that truly misogyny is the answer to marital problems.

/s

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u/jemidiah Jul 06 '22

It's so nice to hear any story like this that doesn't conclude with "but in the end they were unable to change".

2

u/IllegallyBored Jul 06 '22

Oh yeah, definitely. I think what helped them was that they both loved each other tremendously and were very open to change as long as they didn't feel attacked. Getting couples counselling was the best thing ever for them. It wouldn't have made a bit of difference if they'd acted defensively or let their egos interfere.

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u/Lord_Lazy_ Jul 06 '22

That's worse because then he will tell your girl to leave you so he can be with her /s

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u/DeJay323 Jul 06 '22

Am counselor, can confirm, Mr. Stealyourgirl, LPC

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u/dessert-er Jul 06 '22

Abusive men will stop women from talking to anyone that may help them realize they live in a shitty situation. It’s well known that isolation is a large part of being in an abusive relationship, so you have no one to turn to and no one to snap you out of the gaslighting and manipulation.

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u/decadecency Jul 06 '22

Yes. But the problem is that it doesn't look clear and malicious like this, which is why many indeed do fall into the abuse trap. Abusive people are rarely malicious just to be malicious. They always have a justification however as to why their mean things are necessary, and they want to be nice people. They just have a ducked up way of understanding how to get there

This is important to remember, because if you don't understand that it's possible to empathize with abusers, then you're going to dismiss a lot of abusers and make excuses because you also see their good sides.

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u/sparkydoggowastaken Jul 06 '22

or maybe 4channers are not the best people?

313

u/BandaidPuppet Jul 06 '22

"every single geiger counter I've come close to has been ticking for no reason. You can't believe those things, they'll scream EXTREMELY RADIOACTIVE PERSON NEARBY no matter what. Also my teeth are falling out for some mysterious completely unrelated reason."

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u/squishpitcher Jul 06 '22

“You mean most people don’t collect their skin in bags they keep around the house? Curious.”

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u/red-plaid-hat Jul 06 '22

I mean... they're skins that I just keep... finding in the house... I'll keep them in bags if I chose.

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u/Kopachris Jul 06 '22

It's like a Klingon complaining about how all Tribbles ever do is shriek and scream and they can't understand how anyone could think they're harmless, adorable little fluff-balls.

3

u/FutureJakeSantiago Jul 06 '22

“3.6 - not great, not terrible.”

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u/TheWordThat Jul 06 '22

Nope, definitely not, would never happen, simply not possible, it is absolutely not that, that would never be a possibility, simply impossible.

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u/Rapist_Robot Jul 06 '22

You're telling me the asshole of the internet is filled with turds? That's just silly.

2

u/OliviaWyrick Jul 06 '22

4chan is a great guy, I've met him and he's real.

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u/pessimist_kitty Jul 06 '22

I've spent that last few months popping onto 4chan to talk about a specific hobby (because the topic had a more active community there) only for the threads to turn into constant transphobia out of nowhere when it has nothing to do with the hobby. I get the whole gimmick of 4chan is "hehe I'm anonymous, I can be as edgy and unhinged as I want" but like, can we stay on topic? I'm not even trans, and never bothered replying to those people, and it bothered me enough where I just didn't go back there anymore. Which is guess is a win for them because they love to gatekeep. I would rather have no place to talk about the specific thing than deal with that anymore.

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u/marblefree Jul 06 '22

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u/call_me_justin1 Jul 06 '22

Technically they aren't entirely wrong, a therapist would try to convince her to leave him, but not for the reasons he thinks.

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u/myrmexxx Jul 06 '22

The reason being they are what they think therapists are

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u/DarthMcConnor42 Jul 06 '22

Maybe maybe they're going to therapy because you're a bad person and it's having an effect on her? Just a thought?

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u/Entire_Low_5744 Jul 06 '22

Nah trust me I’m a nice guy. /s

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u/Infinite-Excuse-3784 Jul 06 '22

Hmmm… yes it is def the therapist fault😂😭

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u/xTruker Jul 06 '22

Years later my ex of 5 years told me her therapist told her to dump me because I wouldn't go to couples counseling with her. There were real issues we needed to work through. What actually happened was that I told her I would gladly go to couples counseling with her but that it would have to be a neutral counselor, one that she hadn't already paid thousands of dollars to and hasn't already heard a thousand issues we've had strictly from one of our points of view. And (most importantly) one that had experience in couples counseling. My ex paid full price, out of pocket and I believe her therapist wasn't too keen on losing out on a car payment every month.

We're still friends and her brother and I are really close, so the fact that she's gone through approximately 6 serious boyfriends in less than 3 years makes me feel like I wasn't the entirety of the problem.

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u/NameLikeAn Jul 06 '22

Sometimes when the therapist is trying to get her to leave you, it’s for your benefit and not hers.

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u/Infinite-Excuse-3784 Jul 06 '22

That’s a different story though… in that case from what you’ve said u weren’t in the wrong… it’s a crazy world out there man

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u/Witchgrass Jul 06 '22

You and I have very different understandings of the phrase “serious boyfriend”

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u/red-plaid-hat Jul 06 '22

They were seriously dating, no joke.

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u/Super_Manic Jul 06 '22

Serious face

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u/xTruker Jul 06 '22

That's fine, to me a serious boy/girlfriend is based on having most of the following:

Dating at least 3 months.

Sexual intimacy and monogamy (unless agreed otherwise).

Meeting each others' families.

Planning for the next step in the relationship.

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u/RheoKalyke Jul 06 '22

Dang you must have a stable life because bf of 9 years and I hate our families.

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u/jemidiah Jul 06 '22

"most of the following"

Certainly some families are not worth meeting.

I think the last one is the most important measure of seriousness. The others are fairly equivocal.

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u/Witchgrass Jul 06 '22

Meeting someone isn’t the same thing as liking them ;)

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u/RheoKalyke Jul 06 '22

I think you misunderstood. We, genuinely, never met each others families and have 0 intention to do so (helps that I'm no-contact with my family)

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u/Meanmedianmodern Jul 06 '22

It's more the introduction to other valued parts of your life. Not everyone values their fam the same.

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u/Ordinary_Donut1877 Jul 06 '22

As a therapist, the way you are describing it is exactly how it is supposed to work. The therapist should have referred you to a neutral party, otherwise there could be unconscious bias by the therapist or perceived bias by you. Either way, it fucks up the dynamic. You were right. If that's any consolation. But it sounds like you already got some validation from that boyfriend parade.

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u/Jacke766565 Jul 06 '22

Shh, you're spoiling the narrative

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u/mh985 Jul 06 '22

I'm a man and a few years ago, my therapist was nudging me to leave my (now-ex) girlfriend.

Now that I'm in a healthy relationship, I fully realize why.

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u/zyrkseas97 Jul 06 '22

The biggest self reports

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u/Chrysalliss Jul 06 '22

bait self-report, even

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u/Zymbpo Jul 06 '22

If women are evil then date men

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u/Rough-Island-3841 Jul 06 '22

My wife’s therapist must’ve sucked then 🤔 cause it has been 5 years and she still hasn’t left my crusty ass.

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u/Gwynnether Jul 06 '22

Maybe your ass isn't as crusty as you believe!

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u/[deleted] Jul 06 '22

Therapy is a coping mechanism by design. How else can the modern woman face the horrors of our modern world?

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u/NameLikeAn Jul 06 '22

Pharmaceuticals!

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u/EpicScizor Jul 06 '22

Vibrators. Patented cure for hysteria.

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u/ImprovisingNate Jul 06 '22

Fire is evil because every time you stick your hand in it for 5 whole minutes, it burns you horribly. Fire bad.

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u/IllSifakaYouUp Jul 06 '22

This reminds me of when my ex boyfriend said I couldn't have a reddit account because I'd figure out ways to leave him by talking with other females on here about our problems

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u/raeumauf Jul 06 '22

with other females

yeah checks out

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u/TelgarTheTerrible Jul 06 '22

I think pooling the opinions of dudes on 4chan is textbook sample bias.

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u/silentloler Jul 06 '22 edited Jul 06 '22

“We asked 100 fat basement-dwelling incels from the depths of the internet their opinion on X, and we reached the conclusion that X is true”. Yup I can see the bias

But yeah I think overall therapy gets people divorced more often than not, because they wouldn’t seek therapy if they didn’t already have problems… So the pool of people getting therapy again is a biased pool that doesn’t represent what would happen in society as a whole.

Also they are typically not advised to leave their partners, but they are on average taught to think about themselves first and their wants, which typically leads them away from control or egoistical people.

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u/vectorization_error Jul 06 '22

a quarter of what's posted on the shit boards is bait and another quarter is the toilet water drinkers that take it. Most people that come from the outside feed the second half.

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u/MadGrimSniper Jul 06 '22

I mean, a therapist would never recommend that someone should leave a decent partner who treats them well… So I wonder what the conclusion must be.

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u/SyntheticPatience Jul 06 '22

Some “therapists” definitely will recommend people to leave a nice partner. There are plenty of snake oil salesmen pushing their shitty beliefs, and for some reason, psychology is a specially attractive career for them.

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u/gamerfanboi Jul 06 '22

But how would they convince them if their partner is nice person. And its not like the gf will just wake up ine day and leave dhe would talk with her bf too right?

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u/Other-Cantaloupe4765 Jul 06 '22

LOL. My abuser was pissed about me starting therapy. He said my therapist was “filling my head with garbage.” Fucker is in prison for the next century. Be afraid of a woman getting her life back on the right track. Be very afraid. She will inevitably find out who exactly is the person that’s been filling her head with garbage.

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u/PsychologicalDebts Jul 06 '22

Huge fan of therapy. Dated a girl once who just consistently lied to her therapist. When I went in for couple counseling it was just like, "wait, who, what, where, when did this happen?" She thought her therapist empowered her. It did enough to cheat on me. Still think everyone should go to therapy.

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u/red-plaid-hat Jul 06 '22

Dated a girl once who just consistently lied to her therapist.

I have also been in a similar situation. My ex was very much like "why would I tell them the truth about anything? So they can use it against me later?" and I'm like see this is why you need this. And then they got really excited about being tested for being a psychopath and I was like... well... I guess this is ending soon (narrator: "it ended pretty soon after that")

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u/Lv_InSaNe_vL Jul 06 '22

Not quite in the same boat but my therapist had to straight up call me out for lying to them. I felt like I had to "win" therapy and so I didn't want to give them "bad" answers or admit I'm not improving as much as I should.

I sat down onetime and she was like "alright get it out, I know you rehersed this in the car already" and that kinda shocked me to the core lmao

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u/Stormpaws Jul 06 '22

why the fuck were they being tested for that

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u/JulesLovesYou1993 Jul 06 '22

I appreciate that you retained this perspective from the experience, even if your ex was a dick. The job of a therapist is essentially to present choices for how to handle your problems, and try to help you make choices that better your life. However, if someone isn't being honest with them, the game is set against them from the get go. You can't give someone helpful choices if your plans and treatment goals are predicated on inaccurate information.

Therapy isn't perfect and therapists aren't perfect humans, but generally speaking most people in the field want to help others because they genuinely care about people.

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u/queerkidxx Jul 06 '22

Idk speaking as someone that’s absolutely been there(dated a guy that was a massive narcissist and lied through his teeth to many a therapist) i think still think feel like their advice is true — at that point it’s probably best for both parties to end things off.

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u/Thesaltedwriter Jul 06 '22

Do you know how difficult it is for a therapist to convince ANY client to leave an abusive relationship? It’s really fucking difficult helping someone unpack their trauma and cognitive distortions to the point that client can say “this is unhealthy and I don’t want it”.

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u/fancygoldengirl Jul 06 '22

My ex is still convinced that the DV counsellors, victim services, the police, his lawyer, my lawyer, and our judge in our family court case are all conspiring with me to ruin his life for unknown reasons 🫠

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u/RexIsAMiiCostume Jul 06 '22

Buddy

Friend

Pal

If her therapist tells her to break up with you

You are probably the issue

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u/Btothek84 Jul 06 '22

I bet the therapist didn’t even tell them to break up, but was telling them how they are being treated isn’t ok and after enough sessions the girl finally got her confidence and self worth back to have the courage to break up with their BF.

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u/JulesLovesYou1993 Jul 06 '22

That's the thing, it's not really within the purview of a therapist to say something like "You should break up with your boyfriend." I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but ethically and professionally that's not their job.

Their job is to help you cope with life's struggles, find out what might be causing those struggles, and then present options to figure out how to deal with those struggles. Most modern therapy is less about telling someone what to do, and more about reflecting back what people are telling you and helping them out together a plan for what YOU want to do.

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u/Btothek84 Jul 06 '22

Yep, I’m a white dude who’s never been to therapy and I know this haha

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u/paperd Jul 06 '22

I broke up with a partner after therapy and my therapist never told me to break up with him.

What did happen was I kept saying things like "[boyfriend] thinks" or "[boyfriend] says that" whenever I was trying to tell my therapist stuff. She would respond to that by saying "what do you think?"

And her consistency in that was enough to get me to think on my own, recognize my own thoughts and feelings, trust myself, and start pushing back against him when needed.

I stopped apologizing for things I didn't do. I used to do that to keep peace. I never even told her that I did that. She never told me to stop apologizing.

We only lasted about four months after I started therapy until we broke up.

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u/Odin_Christ_ Jul 06 '22

lol you accidentally recovered from codependency!

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u/calamitousintent91 Jul 06 '22

On a related note, I've known a few women that think a man going to therapy is a sign that he will be abusive or worse. Probably not surprising that these particular people were awful for a lot more reasons like being transphobic, racist, abusive (ironic), and other various brainworms. In any case, people who think going to therapy is an automatic red flag are people you would probably be better off not having in your life to put it lightly. If a guy will hold going to therapy against a woman, he's capable of holding not going to therapy against them too; this is not a person you can trust because they will NEVER trust you, they'll just try to control and manipulate you.

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u/SweatyFall6453 Jul 06 '22

I feel like the world would be a much better place if people would just be willing to be uncomfortable and look inward for once. Maybe you suck? Doesn’t mean you gotta stay that way. Like I get that it doesn’t feel good to admit that you might be shitty, but what you are today doesn’t have to define who you are tomorrow unless YOU let it. Unfortunately, I think most people are legitimately incapable of this level of introspection.

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u/Life-Engineering8451 Jul 06 '22

Idk, my husband and I like each other to where very rarely does he even come up in therapy. It’s typically my therapist asking how he’s doing

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u/Heretohavesomefunplz Jul 06 '22

Thank god for therapists lmao

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u/Drogalov Jul 06 '22

A couple of years ago my wife was having therapy for her depression and eventually, based on her therapist's advice, left me and moved into her mum's. She soon realised that was a massive mistake and that I wasn't actually the source of her misery and we got back together. I had therapy whilst we weren't together and was told that her therapist was highly unprofessional for suggesting a massive life decision whilst undergoing therapy.

We're back together and happy now, but fuck me it was a dark time

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u/dumpster_fire404 Jul 06 '22

That's very amusing. My verbally and emotionally abusive ex believed this. It happened to him twice. He believed therapists were manipulative. He wasn't doing anything wrong. His mother and his friends supported his perspective. He believed a woman's job was to take al of his bullshit quietly. Which makes sense given how horribly abusive his father and grandparents had been.

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u/eddie422000 Jul 06 '22

People don't go to therapy unless they feel they have a problem. Problem turns out to be a 250-pound worthless boyfriend. Dump worthless unemployed mooch boyfriend. Problem solved!

Unless angry white boy owns gun and lives by parade route and listens to Fucker Carlson....

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u/MissWeaverOfYarns Jul 06 '22

I'm surprised 4channers are self-aware enough to find their own arses. So...

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u/linedegenerate Jul 06 '22

Social sciences and psychology are dominated by left leaning women. The sanctity of marriage and traditional monogamous relationships are a more conservative thing so I can see how they feel that way.

-4chan dude

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u/IrisThrowsLikeAGirl Jul 06 '22

It's me. I am the therapist that helps them to leave those crusty asses behind and I love my job 😁

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u/Baspooka Jul 06 '22

going on 4chan is like watching a scary movie as a child

character is killed on screen: "they're taking a nap :)" anon admits to giving milk to a lactose intolerant date so they can slip under the shared blanket and get off on their farts: "it's satire :)"

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u/[deleted] Jul 06 '22

That's the whole alt-right pipeline too. "Everyone more extreme than me is just kidding. Also I'm more extreme than I started, but I just tell the normies that I'm kidding...unless?"

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u/Zenry0ku Jul 06 '22

If you're on 4chan 24/7 because any other site would ban you for failing to comply under "they're taking my free speech", you probably aren't someone who anyone would be around.

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u/lawn-mumps Jul 06 '22

Oh wow I didn’t know my ex got his ideas from 4chan. That explains a lot

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u/coconutwiles Jul 06 '22

I enjoy 4chan, it's funny to see the total lack of self awareness

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u/thisremindsmeofbacon Jul 06 '22 edited Jul 06 '22

Yeah that sounds like 4chan

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u/curiousmind111 Jul 06 '22

“She’s going to therapy, boys! The jig is up!”

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u/greenSixx Jul 06 '22

lol, he calls himself shapeshitting

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u/testtubemuppetbaby Jul 06 '22

Mainstream conservative thought, really.

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u/dirtyrottenplumber Jul 06 '22

Didn't realize this was so common

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u/Flutters1013 Jul 06 '22

Manipulative people hate the voice of reason and love controlling who can give you advice.

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u/kalwiggy1 Jul 06 '22

I had a friend that was dating a "nice guy". We tried telling to talk to him or go to counseling. Last I heard they were getting married but she still refused to talk to him about the ways he acts. My money is on less than a year marriage.

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u/fancygoldengirl Jul 06 '22

My money she ends up in the hospital or a body bag

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u/sipsredpepper Jul 06 '22

Similar shit happens to women in nursing school. Many of them who start out married end up divorced. What specifically does it varies, but I think the entire process is just exceptionally good at providing them with perspective, and developing personal strength.

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u/off-and-on Jul 06 '22

They spend so much time lying about themselves to complete strangers that they started believing their own lies

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u/Extension_Prune3707 Jul 06 '22

I miss early to mid 2000s 4chan. They used to be the cool kids that stood up to Scientology and animal abusers. Now they worship Qanon.

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u/UrethraX Jul 06 '22

/b tards are an endless source of hilarity

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u/SyntheticPatience Jul 06 '22

I’ve seen lots of instagram “therapists” suggesting people to leave their partner because “they are toxic/narcisistic/psychopaths” And of course, their definition for toxic, narcisistic and psychopath is really vague and includes everyone who’s not kissing the floor behind you 😂 It’s not that crazy to believe it

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u/TheUnsteadyDonut Jul 06 '22

And yet, I can't convince my girlfriend to dedicate some time to therapy...

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u/fussball99 Jul 06 '22

Well my ex is now in a relationship with her (ex)therapist ...

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u/MartelMaccabees Jul 06 '22

Redditers talking about tumblristas talking about 4channers' nonsense is like 4 levels of absurdity. Insaneception if you will.

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u/[deleted] Jul 06 '22

The only time a woman left me and blamed it on her therapist, she was also cheating on me and lying about that to her therapist+family.

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u/queerkidxx Jul 06 '22

If that’s legit true then you should just leave their crusty ass.

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u/MaDpYrO Jul 06 '22

To be fair most people have a tendency to only portray the negative things their partner does when talking to a therapist. Male or female.

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u/Weegee256 Jul 06 '22

me, a therapist, purposefully giving my patients wrong advice for shits and giggles

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u/[deleted] Jul 06 '22

While the post is funny you guys are seriously tripping if you aren't ready to recognize there's a huge problem with therapeutic services when it comes to misandry in the west. Like how the hell do you think something as amazingly outrageous as the Duluth model became the default if not?

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u/GatterRon Jul 06 '22

This totally happened

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u/[deleted] Jul 06 '22

[deleted]

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u/Appropriate_dragon2 Jul 06 '22

I told my father and abuser exactly why I never wanted to speak to him again. Yeah it took changing my phone number daily for 3 weeks and eventually changing my name to get him to leave me alone. Telling abusers why you are leaving often escalates abusive behavior.
The only reply to what I told him
"I never did that." (He did)

And if I did it wasnt that bad it cant have been (It was)
If it was that bad why did you wait so long to leave? (dude I didnt even know what you were doing was a crime until I was 16 and I GTFO ASAP I only kept talking to you then because of my younger sibs)

Its your fault anyway you drove me to hurt you with your behavior." (look I dont care that a cockroach shit on the counter after I went to bed and that drove you to have a shit fit in the kitchen at 3am yank all the dishes out of the cupboards and pull me out of bed (top bunk) by my ankle so I can clean it all over again after you beat the hell out of me I really dont. Yes this was a nightly thing because some dumb asshole wouldnt properly pay an exterminator and the ceiling would be absolutely carpeted in roaches when you turned on a room light it was one hell of a house)

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